Relationships are the cornerstone of our society. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. So how do we create strong, healthy, lasting relationships? We must learn how to share our authentic selves with those we love. How could we feel truly loved if we are not able to share our whole selves? How can we experience intimacy if we are not able to let someone in? Therefore, authentic relating defines the depth and quality of our relationships. This is much easier said than done because creating an authentic connection requires vulnerability. It requires us to share the parts of ourselves that feel unlovable, and to take risks that open ourselves up to potential hurt, rejection, loss, and heartbreak. Why would we take such a risk? Because in addition to leading longer, happier, healthier lives – to love and be loved is one of the most beautiful gifts of this life experience.
Authenticity is the difference between who we are taught to be/ what is expected of us and who we are. Authenticity is defining truth within yourself at a core level and being aligned with your values. It is being true to yourself even when it means disappointing someone else. It is not pretending to be someone you’re not for the comfort of others or to fit inside a socially constructed box. It’s also being willing to change and grow when your own patterns or tendencies are not serving you. This can feel like one of the scariest things because it can mean challenging the strategies that protect you from getting hurt. These strategies are often learned in childhood to help us adapt to our environment and survive. They can also prevent us from the genuine connection and intimacy we so deeply desire. With support in therapy, you can develop the self- awareness and ability to discern which strategies aren’t serving you, as well as the skills to replace them with ones that do.
Authentic relating is not a destination. It is not something you achieve and move on. Relating is a process of learning, growth, and constant evolution. We are always changing and our relationships are always changing with us. When we are able to practice sharing our true selves within our relationships, it makes it possible to grow together. Authenticity is a spectrum and a practice. It has layers of depth to be discovered and is determined by the degree to which you are connected to yourself, aware of yourself, and able to express yourself. Therefore, creating deep, fulfilling, authentic relationships begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
In couples work, I often tell my clients 1+1=3. Each partner brings unique strengths, values, shortcomings, raw spots, emotional baggage, and quirks to the table. Each person is responsible for their relationship with themselves, and the dynamic they create together. When both partners can take radical responsibility for themselves and their contributions to the relationship dynamic, so much beauty and intimacy is possible. When both partners are committed to creating safety, trust, respect, playfulness, growth, and intimacy between them, it lays the foundation for a secure bond that can last a lifetime.
Whether you are single and desiring a healthy and fulfilling relationship or you are in a relationship and would like to deepen the quality and strength of your connection, therapy can help. I work with clients to develop the skills necessary to cultivate self awareness and accountability, communicate openly and honestly, and create deep genuine intimacy in relationships through authentic relating. There is nothing sexier or more fulfilling than being seen, known, desired, loved, and accepted for who you are.