Sex is often a taboo subject, which means sharing openly about it can feel like an emotional risk. There are a lot of misconceptions, misinformation, and cultural narratives that can create fear or shame. However, when we are able to talk about sex in a safe and supportive way, it can diffuse shame and create room for connection. Opening up conversations about sex begins with looking at what you were taught about sex growing up, recognizing beliefs that perpetuate shame or disconnect you from yourself, and re-educating yourself with accurate information that supports a positive sexual identity. This requires courage and willingness to be vulnerable because it means confronting the discomfort that often leads us to suppress or hide this aspect of ourselves. Exploring your own sexuality can empower you to form a deeper, more fulfilling intimate connection with yourself and your beloved.
Sex isn’t just about intercourse, it’s about connection, pleasure, play, creativity, and self-expression. Developing a healthy relationship with your sexuality can start small. It may be looking at your relationship to your body and investing in a more loving, accepting, and nurturing connection to yourself. Perhaps it means redefining your beliefs about pleasure and sensuality, or exploring your likes and dislikes. It may be giving yourself space to get curious about what sex means to you, what your values are, and which contexts feel aligned for you and which ones don’t.
One of my favorite exercises to do is imagine your younger self when you were growing up and learning about the world. We are social beings and learning through socialization is how we adapt and learn to survive. Because of this, from a young age we are constantly learning and internalizing information. When it comes to sex, that includes all of the spoken and unspoken “rules” about what is socially acceptable and what is not. Nobody wants to feel social rejection, so it makes sense that we often conform to what we are taught is expected of us. But it can also lead to beliefs that cut us off from our sexual essence and suppress a beautiful aspect of our self expression, or lead to patterns of people pleasing and disconnection from our own wants and needs.
As you imagine your younger self, can you recognize the sources that influenced your beliefs about sex? This might include positive or negative aspects. What questions did you have that you wish you could have asked? What do you wish you would have known sooner or been told? If you don’t have the answers to these questions, it’s okay. You’re not alone. Many people don’t receive adequate sex education from their upbringing. Comprehensive sex education includes information about your anatomy, biology, sexual health and safety, pregnancy prevention and planning, emotional readiness, communication and consent, body awareness, and tools to cultivate healthy sexual exploration and a positive sexual identity. It’s common for adults to have questions that were never answered in their childhood or adolescence. There is no shame in not knowing, even if it can be uncomfortable.
The reason I like the exercise of connecting with your younger self is because you have the ability to rewrite the narrative and have the birds and the bees conversation with yourself now that you needed then. Awkwardness and all. Many parents dread this conversation with their children. Some avoid it, others opt for abstinence only, shame/fear based education. However, when we are fully informed about our bodies and our sexuality, we are more empowered to define and express our sexual essence in alignment with our values. When you can lean into the awkwardness and discomfort of having these conversations with yourself and with support, you can free yourself of shame and fear and discover the joy and pleasure that is possible by embracing your sexual essence. My goal for sex therapy with individuals and couples is to heal shame and fear around sex and create space for safe, authentic, and playful exploration. I hope to help restore the innocence of our nature as sexual beings and provide a sex-positive, supportive, affirming environment for anyone seeking a more fulfilling sexual expression.